Initial reflections on becoming a father - part II

I dont know how long I'll be able to play the 'new father card' and it is certainly my intention to update the blog more often than I have managed up till know, so please excuse the fact that when I wrote the last post on Saturday night I also wrote that I would write again the following day..as I say, definitely playing the 'new dad get out card' as my excuse here....


Today is day 15 of our son's (external - as opposed to in utero) life. I suppose I ought not to be surprised at the pace of change. I mean, here I am finally sitting down to continue my reflections on becoming a father and I cant help but be struck by the fact that what I would have written on Saturday is a good degree different to what I am a bout to commit to cyberspace today. Saturday to Wednesday equates to over 1/3 of our sons life and my experience as a father, no doubt then, that things should have changed significantly in that time.

So far, becoming a father has been a very different experience than I had imagined it would be. During pregnancy I would say I experienced a slew of emotions. I will try, below, to identify, enumerate and explain  feelings that I remember being persistent, significant or recurring.

1. Concern - How were we going to support our child?

2. Excitement - At the prospect of becoming a father.

3. A sort of satisfying sense of bloody-mindedness - as I relished the prospect of overcoming (or attempting to overcome the challenges of becoming a father with a physical disability.

4. An almost all engulfing, paralyzing, (no pun intended), sense of responsibility to our child and to raising him in accordance with our values to be a decent, thoughtful human-being.

5 - Gratitude to Mrs T for her love and constant commitment to getting us the support we needed in order for me to be the kind of active father I want to be and both my son and her need me to be.

Laiden with all of these,  I expected parenthood to be an overwhelming experience that I would enter with an ongoing sense of trepidation. In reality, to my endless relief, I find myself to be (so far) enjoyably serene, quite a calm father. Overcome not by trepidation but, instead by intense feelings of love, connection, excitement and satisfaction. I imagined that, perhaps, I would spend some time grieving not having my time be my own anymore, having it be dictated by our son and his needs. Nothing could be further from the reality, he is a supreme cutie and I love spending time with him and fulfilling his needs- even things that seem gross.

 Talking of needs that are gross, I'm not about to claim  that changing my son's nappy is the pinnacle of my day. Yes - I can acknowledge that it is not a pleasant task and I'm sure I wouldn't revel in being presented with some other child's pooy backside to clean.  When it comes to my own son ,however  there' s is  no brief moment (as I thought there would be) where I hesitate, think 'This is nasty!' and then carry on anyway - you just do it, out of love and because it needs to get done.

I think my calmness has something to do with the fact that our son's life revolves around three things- pooing, eating and sleeping, this means that the tasks of fatherhood at this stage of his life are more-a-less clear cut,  predicable and repetitious. I know whats expected of me and I can get it done.

I have definitely gained much satisfaction from finding that in reality:

1) I can do many of the tasks I spent months training for.

 2) I have benefited massively from being allowed to have the space and time from Mrs T to get these tasks done (even when they take me longer than they do her) eg carrying the baby in the car seat up and down the stairs of our apartment  . (NB - I will return to analyze how this worked in upcoming post with pictures to boot!).

This feeling of achievement and a heightened sense of gratitude to Mrs T, while very welcome, were expected. What has been less expected is the realization that as long as I am doing as much as I can to help with the baby, just because I can perform a task successfully (like carry the car seat up the stairs), it doesn't mean that I have to be doing it every time. There are times when it makes sense for Mrs T to hold the baby or change him without me or carry him in the car seat. The key seems to be finding the right balance.

In short, being a father is great, an experience I am really enjoying! At this moment, our boy is asleep and dinner is on the table, if I've learnt anything so far in being a father its sleep and eat when you get the chance, so excuse whilst I make a stealthy exit to the dinner table....